They say there are five stages of grief
that everyone goes through with the passing of a loved one. Denial,
anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. But when
someone takes their own life, the stages of grief become much more
complex, at least they did for her.
They weren't even really what most
people would consider to be friends, they were more acquaintances.
They'd talk at parties, they'd say hi if they ran into each other in
public, they'd swap a joke or a story every so often, but they never
talked on a regular basis. She guessed that was mostly her fault. A
lot of people hated him simply for being himself, and she was one of
those people. As years past and they began talking more, she saw a
different side to him. She was sure he suffered from some form of
mental illness and wished he'd talk to someone, but sooner rather
than later, it was too late.
She could remember the day as clearly
as she could remember her own name. The day she got the news that
he'd taken his own life. She witnessed the entire community pause. He
was the guy who made everyone around him smile, simply being in his
presence was enough to make anyone smile. He had the biggest smile,
and an even bigger heart. He was always joking, always laughing, he
never wanted anyone to be sad because of him. She guessed that's
ultimately why he ended up taking his own life. He didn't want to
make others sad, so he never talked about his feelings. He never
opened up about what was going on inside of his own head.
Suicide causes everyone around the
deceased to be haunted by one question: “Why? The question of why
echoed in the halls the following day as loudly as the school bell.
While it was quiet enough to hear a pin drop, you could hear the
sound of hearts breaking as the students silently grieved the loss of
a friend. They grieved in silence, because no one knew what to say.
No one knew how to confront the fact that a beloved friend had just
taken his own life.
His funeral was exactly what he would
have wanted. It was kept light, his presence was brighter than the
brightest stars in the skies that day. It was filled with stories,
and laughter showed from behind tear filled eyes. As his best friend
got up and sang a song in his memory, it became clear that his memory
would never be forgotten.
As years passed, she learned some very
important lessons. Lesson one: you cannot live in the past. Following
his death, she spent years wondering what she could have done
differently. If they were closer, would he have opened up to her?
Would he have been able to talk to her? Could she have gotten him the
help she desperately believed he needed? Could she have prevented
this somehow? Eventually, with the help of her friends, she realized
there was nothing she could have done.
Lesson two: you can't allow yourself
to remain sad forever. She spent months thinking she wasn't allowed
to have emotions. She didn't deserve to be happy, because he was so
unhappy he took his own life. Therefore, she also wasn't allowed to
be sad, because he was so sad it cost him his life. She was stuck in
an endless circle of refusing to allow herself to feel anything.
Eventually, she pulled herself together and realized this wasn't what
he wanted. He was closed off in his life, because he didn't want the
people around him to be sad. Being sad over his death, was the
farthest thing from what he would have wanted.
Lesson three: it will be okay. It's
okay to move on, it's okay to feel again, it's okay to be happy.
Nobody wants to cause someones unhappiness. Most suicides are a way
to escape their own pain, but they don't realize they just pass the
pain on to someone else. But it will be okay. It doesn't get any
easier, you just get better at dealing with the pain.
Lesson four (and the most important lesson of all): it's okay to ask for
help. She spent a long time thinking asking for help was a sign of
weakness. She didn't want anyone to know she was hurting. One day a
friend reached out to her and told her its okay to be sad. Its okay
to need support. Its even okay to ask for help. This is a lesson
everyone needs to learn. Needing help in your life isn't a sign of
weakness. If anything, asking for help is one of the most courageous
things you can do.
All of these lessons, all of the years
that have passed, all of the hurt she has felt, has left her with one
very important message for everyone reading this: If you need help,
if you are depressed, if you are feeling like there is no escape,
there is always someone willing to listen. There is someone out there
who wants to listen. There is someone out there who very desperately
wants to help you, and just doesn't know how. Reach out, ask for
help, it's okay to ask for help. There are people who love you, and
there are people who care. Don't close yourself off until it's too
late. The hurt you're going through is just a chapter in the book of
your life. Don't get hung up on one page. Move onto the next chapter,
and look forward to better and brighter things, because they are
coming. It won't be like this forever. Your story isn't over.
